To Tell The Truth
Thursday, July 10, 2008
"Dad? How do you tell the good guys from the bad guys?"
Adam, my six year old, walked into my office wearing a coonskin hat. I was seated behind my desk, working on a publisher's deadline while he had been upstairs, watching an old Davy Crockett movie with his brother. My boy had seen Davy betrayed by two men traveling with him. The pioneer was surprised and unprepared, because he'd figured—as had my son—that the men were his friends.
"So how, Dad?" Adam pressed. "How can I tell a good guy from a bad guy?"
As I looked into my son's innocent blue eyes, I knew I couldn't ignore this opportunity—deadline or not. Trouble was ... I wasn't sure myself!
"Adam," I said, lifting him into my lap, "telling the good guys from the bad guys is something adults struggle with every day. Sometimes it can take a while to know for sure."
I had an idea. "Buddy?" I said, "did you know that Mom didn't marry me right away?" Adam frowned. This was new information. "In fact," I forged ahead, "Mom made me wait a lot longer than I wanted. I took her to eat lunch and dinner fifty or sixty times. We went to ball games. Sometimes, Mom just wanted me to drive her around or take her walking downtown or in the park ..."
"Why?"
"So we could talk. So she could ask me questions. She wanted to see if I would ask her any questions and to know whether or not I would listen to her answers."
Adam shook his head and said, "I mean why did she not marry you at first?"
This, of course was the question I had been waiting for... "Because Adam, Mom wanted to make sure that I was not a bad guy. She only wanted to marry a good guy."
Brightening immediately, he said "And you're a good guy, right?"
"Right," I responded. "So, do you know a little more about telling the good guys from the bad ones?"
"Yes sir," he said, rolling out of my lap, "you just take 'em to lunch."
And with that conclusion, my blond six year old in the coonskin hat left my office. Now I was the one frowning. Somehow, I thought, that didn't go just right.
Then, as I was about to return (a bit unsettled) to my work, Adam popped his head back into the room. Grinning, he said, "And when I take 'em to lunch, I see if they tell the truth. Cause if they don't tell the truth, like the guys with Davy Crockett, then they're not very good, are they?"
I sat still for a moment after Adam left. Surely, it wasn't that uncomplicated, was it? I shook my head to clear it. Could simply "telling the truth" be such an obvious designator between good people and bad? Can a lie make that much difference in a relationship or a business? And how truthful must one be? Would I want someone who leads me—personally or professionally—to allow me to believe something that is not true?
What if I work hard to build my family's future only to find out that my employer exaggerated the amount of income possible? Am I without risk living in a state where the governor lied to get elected? Am I without risk when other people lie?
I scribbled down these questions and a few more like them at my desk after Adam had gone. Why did I care? For a time, I wasn't sure. But I have boiled my lingering unease down to this: Can my family and I be hurt by someone else's lies ... even if I do not know the person? The answer, I am convinced, is an unqualified "yes".
A week later, I was driving the boys home from school. I listened carefully as they discussed something they had heard that day about one of our local politicians.
"I think he is dead,"Adam said.
"He didn't die," his eight year old brother responded. "He is in jail. Right Dad?"
"That's right," I answered, keeping an eye on them in the rear view mirror.
"Why is he in jail?" Adam asked.
"Well ..." I took a deep breath, suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of explaining state and federal regulations regarding fraud, campaign finance laws, and misappropriation of public funds to a child. Then it hit me. "Guys," I said, "He is in jail because he lied."
"Really?" they exclaimed in unison.
"Really," I said.
Before they could ask any more questions, I pulled off the road and put the vehicle in park. The Davy Crockett conversation was whistling through my head along with an article I had read that morning about a mother who had helped her six year old win concert tickets in an essay contest by declaring in the first sentence: "My father died in Iraq last year." It had been a lie and I had wondered what kind of adult the mother expected her child to become.
As I turned around in the front seat so that I could face my boys, I knew what kind of adult life I wanted for them. And I was becoming increasingly aware that the window was closing on my opportunity to say anything like I was about to say and actually have them listen.
"Guys,"I began," what do Mom and Dad do if you tell a lie?"
"You punish us," Austin answered.
"Badly," Adam felt he needed to add.
"That's true," I intoned seriously. "You know, we've told you that if you tell the truth, the punishment won't be nearly as tough. But if you lie, it will be a big, big deal."
"Big trouble," Adam said.
"Right," I continued. "Do you know why Mom and Dad are so concerned about this? It's because when you are a kid and you tell a lie, you only get punished. But if moms and dads can't teach their children to tell the truth—and the children grow up and they still lie—really bad things can happen.
"Did you know," I asked, narrowing my eyes," that some people have lost their homes because they lied? There are parents who have had their children taken away from them because they lied. People can lose their jobs when they lie and yes, sometimes, people even get sent to jail for lying.
"Always remember this: Cheating is lying. Exaggeration ... telling your class you caught six fish, when you really only caught four ... is a lie. Allowing someone to believe something you know is not true ... is a lie.
"I love you boys. I want you to grow up to be great men. That is why you must learn to tell the truth. Even if it's hard to do. Even if it makes you look bad at the moment. Even if it makes you feel all alone. I will always be proud of you when you tell the truth."
As I pulled back onto the road, I glanced back at my sons in my mirror. Their eyes were wide. They seemed a bit stunned. Good, I thought. Better their daddy shake them up a bit now than a boss or policeman when they are older.
But what do you think? Was I too hard on Austin and Adam? Am I making too big a deal of this? Maybe. But I'll tell you one thing: Personally, I am concerned that our society is not making a bigger deal of it!
As a society—parents, trusted friends, mentors, employees, leaders, pastors, bosses, aunts and uncles, elected officials—we teeter on the brink of double standards that devastate our credibility with those who watch us the closest ... and matter the most. Do you think not? Consider this ... as consumers of recordings and magazines and television and film, we financially enable some people to teach by example things with which we disagree. Amazingly, we worship certain entertainers and buy their products knowing all the while we wouldn't even tolerate their behavior in our own family!
Do we think we are the only ones who notice this?
Over and over again, I heard intelligent analysts and sports figures, idolized and respected by millions of people (including me) questioned about an NFL team who—until the Super Bowl—sported a perfect record: "Does the fact that they were caught cheating this past season and issued the greatest fine in the history of the league mar their legacy in your mind?"
And sadly, over and over again, I have listened as they have answered—on every national radio and television network—"No".
These have been the primary reasons:
1) The cheating really didn't help as much as everyone seems to think ...
2) Everyone else is cheating and this has been going on for years ...
3) If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying ...
Please know this: my aggravation is not with the franchise itself. Their quarterback is one of my favorites and I am happy when he plays well. I think their owner is one of the finest men in the league and this past year, the team itself played at a higher level than any team I've ever seen in my life. But they cheated. And my boys know it.
Think with me now ... why do we punish a child for looking on someone else's test paper at school? Why do they get a "zero" or a suspension? After all ... (see the answers in the paragraph above).
I know ... I know ... It's not the same thing. You're right. It's worse. The lie in school affects one family. The lie on the sidelines affects our society.
Yesterday someone asked me for whom I will vote in the upcoming Presidential election. My answer was, "I honestly don't know yet, but I'll say this ... I am listening to them very carefully."
Don't misunderstand, I am not waiting to hear whether a candidate agrees with me or not. I am an adult and at least intelligent enough to know that I will not agree with everything someone says or does. After all, I got married with that understanding, surely I can vote for a leader with the same realistic expectation!
For nineteen years now, I have lived with a woman who, it seems, disagrees with me on a number of things, yet we continue to forge ahead, creating a home and family that satisfies and fulfills us both. I don't expect my wife to agree with me. I do, however, expect her to tell me the truth. And the truth—even when we disagree—while it sometimes aggravates me, never, ever breeds mistrust.
The same will be true for me as I vote for a presidential candidate.
"Okay, wait," you might say. "Lets not get carried away here. In one breath you're talking about a Presidential election and in another you're talking baseball. This is really not the same thing!"
You are correct, but if I may quote my son, "How do you tell the good guys from the bad guys?"
Walking through a forest, it is not necessary to "look up" in order to know what kind of tree you are under. Merely picking up a leaf will suffice. One leaf will tell you whether there is an oak above you or a maple. Or a poplar or an aspen or hickory. In fact, without even so much as moving your head, you can determine whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. Is this a healthy tree? Is it a tree I can lean against? Might it protect me in a storm?
People are the same way. They drop leaves just as surely as a tree. And they drop them often. One needs only to examine a "leaf" or two from a person's life in order to determine character.
I can work successfully with people who disagree with me. I can remain happily married to someone who disagrees with me. I can be proud of children and follow leaders who disagree with me. But I cannot afford to align myself with a person who doesn't tell the truth. It is simply too risky.
Thousands of people are without pensions today because Enron's Kenneth Lay did not tell the truth. He went to jail, but they lost their futures. And what crime did they commit?
My own hometown, a quiet family resort area, must now live with changes to our lives that can never be undone. Why? Because an elected leader lied. But he is being punished, you say? Sure, but the results of his deception have marred the landscape forever.
Martha Stewart was not punished for insider trading. She went to prison for perjury ... for lying. Marion Jones, one of our country's most decorated Olympic athletes was stripped of her medals because of steroids, but she is going to prison for lying. Barry Bonds ... who knows if they will get him for performance enhancing drugs, but it probably doesn't matter anyway. He is already been issued a federal indictment ... for lying.
Prison for people who can't tell the truth. Too harsh? Maybe, but it sure is a great story for my kids. So Barry, Martha, Marion ... thanks, I guess. Hopefully, your lives will open a lot of eyes.
Still though, I know there are many who will read these words, shrug their shoulders, and say, "I just don't see what's the big deal."
My point exactly.
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1. Sandra Hayes - July 11, 2008 @ 5:24 AM
God bless you."
2. Sheila Vose - July 11, 2008 @ 6:20 AM
I live in North Texas, over one of the largest (and newest) natural gas deposits today, the Barnett Shale. In the past 3 years, wells have popped up everywhere, along with the noise, dust, and road destruction that comes with the drilling operations. Money is flying like the dust it produces, and while many of us are benefiting from our propery ownership here, it has brought into my life a side of humanity that I abhor. It is, as you describe, dishonesty.
On the property behind my house and my immediate neighbor, one of the many drilling companies has begun one of 3 wells on a pad that is less than 500 feet from our houses. When they got their permits from the state authorities, that property was no incorporated, so their limits were 330' at that time. However, a neighboring town has since incorporated that land, up to our fence, leaving us outside the city limits and the pad site within the city. This now means that they must abide by the city's stricter 500' limits on the 2 wells they have not begun to drill yet.
Last week, my neighbor and I received a call from the property owner behind us, who has gone into a partnership with EOG, the gas company. He was wanting to arrange to meet with us about the drilling, focusing on some of the complaints my neighbor had expressed at the previous city council meeting about the noise and dust caused by their active drilling just behind her house. I personally was not especially bothered by either the noise or the dust, but my neighbor's bedroom window looks out onto the site itself, so she has a much bigger problem with it than I. I asked him why it was he, and not EOG who was approaching us, and that is when the deceit began, I think.
This man flew in from Colorado, where he lives, and met with us on Monday evening. I had my brother come as well, as I felt I needed a more business savy person, and he is perfect for this type of exchange. During that entire meeting, not ONCE did the issue of the proximity of the other 2 wells come up. His entire focus was on the dust and noise issues. He cited all the things thay had done in the past week, once the city forced them to remove the drilling rig until this was settled, and they had our written permission to waive our rights to limit their proximity to 500' instead of the 330' they planned for. However, he kept the focus on the nuisance factor and the existing well, which was not the one the city was objecting to, as it turns out. He came in hoping to get our signatures, releasing them to continue, by keeping us away from the real issue, the location of the other 2 wells pending. He almost pulled it off, I'm sorry to say. Everyone knew he was trying to avoid paying any money, but everyone knew, as well, that it would take money to do this. I felt like I was extorting money from them, as I had not real objections or real damage as a result of anything they had done up to now. I did not EARN or DESERVE any money, so my neighbor's greed was especially disturbing to me, as I did not want to hurt her arguments in any way. So, I resigned myself to letting myself benefit a bit by her hunger, but perfectly willing to settle for whatever could be agreed upon. However, as it turns out, this man had no authority to make ANY offers, and he was equally reluctant to make any. So we left it to him to take our vague requests to EOG. In the meantime, I continued my calls to lawyers, city engineers, and others with similar experiences, and soon realized what had happened. I felt like I had been distracted and my attention redirected to exactly what they wanted me to see. I felt maniupulated, and then I realized the true depth of their deception when the man delivered to us the release he ultimately wanted us to sign.
I can take a lot of abuse from people, and while it hurts me, I can forgive and accept it as a painful part of life. My car was broken into last year, a new experience for me, and I was devestated, but I got passed it. You can steal from me and get away with it, but if you LIE to me, watch out. Especially if it is not necessary to get what you want or need. This is how I see this transaction with EOG. I suddenly felt INSULTED, and my pride and anger took over. I told my brother, who is dealing with the negotiations, that they do not HAVE enough money to make me sign anything right now. I didn't NEED their money, however much I may want it. God will see to my needs, and right now I need to see some RESPECT from EOG, not the disdain and total dismissive approach they took on this. The simple act of coming forward, saying plainly ..."we need your approval to be able to continue. We will be happy to compensate your with an agreeable figure if you will sign a waiver...", and I could have been done with this a week ago. Neither my neighbors or my brother fully understand my feelings on this. It is not the money, it is not the noise and distruption the drilling will cause... it is the lies and deceit that I am reacting to. I cannot excuse it, no matter how much money it may cost EOG or my neighbors and me. I cannot lose what I do not have, but I do have my pride and my own self respect, both of which I need far more than EOG's money.
So when you tell your sons about the importance of honesty, I hope you can instill in them that this is not JUST in their personal, day to day lives that it is so important. It is equally important in ANY dealing with others, be it in personal or business settings. One's integrity is not to be compromised based on anything that might come as a reward. That is a form of prostitution that will forever hang over our heads, no matter how hard we may try to ignore it. If we can hold our standards high in our business and professional lives, doing so in our personal lives will never be a problem. So, when I see a business person who acts with integrity, I have no doubts about them personally. But anyone who will compromise his/her integrity for a business deal, the least of all excusable reasons, I can be equally sure he/she will do it in his/her personal life with enough incentive.
Some things just do not hold up, no matter what the excuse.
Thanks for your thoughts on this.
Sheila."
3. Trudy Suits - July 11, 2008 @ 6:52 AM
4. John Bonds - July 11, 2008 @ 7:15 AM
I tell my friends, If I tell you a non truth, I thought it was the truth at the time.
jonbonds"
5. Gail Hyatt - July 11, 2008 @ 7:28 AM
6. Todd Luster - July 11, 2008 @ 7:35 AM
it is a big deal andy - but i think there is another side to your post and telling the truth is only part of it.
honesty, integrity, gratitude and honor. getting HIGH on life, i think its something we all strive for.
i for one, work on it everyday and have for what seems like decades :-). i'm getting better, but still not where i want to be.
i think the lesson begins with honesty and certainly for young kids it is the best place to start.
for adults, we get caught up in the whole "i'm busy and this is easier" and "reactive" paths. my wife and i have this conversation quite a bit.
here is a small example of what i'm talking about: we call someone and they don't return our call. if this continues to be a habit, a lot of us begin to feel resentment, which feeds a whole chain of emotions - especially if its someone we care about.
how many times have you heard? i'm sorry, it's just been so busy...
we are all busy, yet there are still 24 hours in a day and quite frankly I think most of us find it easier to apologize later, than take the few minutes to return a phone call.
it comes down to what we can control, we can only make the call. we can't return it.
we compromise ourselves everyday. sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't. being able to tell the difference is a big deal, but lets leave that for another day...
if this seems a bit rambled, my apologies :-)"
7. Kathy Nettles - July 11, 2008 @ 7:52 AM
What wonderful lessons you share with the boys - glad we can be a part of these 'little family talks' they remind me of my Dad and how I miss him since he passed away a few years ago.
I was so blessed to have a wonderful Godly Father who not only share these lessons but lived them everyday. Once on vacation he picked up a newspaper and the machine would not take his change... yes you guess it... when we returned home he sent the paper the .25 !
Thanks again for a great Blog
Kathy"
8. Sue - July 11, 2008 @ 8:17 AM
9. Gene - July 11, 2008 @ 8:17 AM
10. Rudy Noll - July 11, 2008 @ 8:47 AM
I remember telling them that lying is always the more difficult path, because if you tell one lie, then you will find yourself telling others to cover up the initial one. Pretty soon, you forget where the lies end and the truth begins. That is why we punish business leaders, military leaders and politicians - usually with extensive media coverage - for lying. They are supposed to be held to the highest standards, as the welfare of our country is at stake when they commit crimes and lie. So, when they lie, we punish them -hard.
In my company, "Integrity" is an important corporate value. Every year, we complete a survey that includes two questions: (1) Do you trust your managers? and (2) Does management "walk the talk" when it comes to integrity? Those are questions we should be constantly asking ourselves and our friends and family. If the answer to both questions is "Yes", then the compnay or relationship shoud be in good shape. If both questions can't be answered with a "yes", then there is trouble.
Andy, you are dead on target when you respond to the question, "What's the big deal?" with, "That's the point". If we are willing to compromise the truth, then we are headed for the "capital T", and that stands for trouble."
11. Rhonda - July 11, 2008 @ 8:51 AM
12. Toby Wagner - July 11, 2008 @ 8:52 AM
That stuck with me throughout the football season and took me on a journey back through Island of Saints, Disarming Your Past and your other valuable life principle audios which I highly recommend (and have listened to over and over). You continue to change lives!"
13. Karen Jett - July 11, 2008 @ 8:59 AM
Thank you for this story. You've taken complex subjects and boiled them down to their bare essence.
Life is complicated and so we tend to think complicated and come up with complicated excuses. By remembering that underneath all that complexity is the simple truth that by not telling the truth you are being dishonest and not acting with integrity it helps to sort out how you should act.
Way to go! Hopefully more parents will read this and make similar statements to their children enabling the next generation to find it easier to act with integrity.
Karen"
14. Cheryl Smith - July 11, 2008 @ 9:08 AM
I'm sending this link to our children's email accounts for them to read and us discuss as a family. Truth and integriy are too important to dance around the conversations."
15. Lynette Chartier - July 11, 2008 @ 9:13 AM
You have given us a lot to ponder and I so appreciate you doing so through the eyes of children. They do teach us so much.
Have yourself a magical Friday!
Lynette
http://www.thepowerisinyourhands.com
http;//www.inspiredprosperity.com"
16. Chris Young - July 11, 2008 @ 9:37 AM
A few weeks ago I caught my 4 year old son lying to me. Without going into too much detail, he basically hit his 7 year old sister, but said he didn't when I asked him about it. So he got a 1 minute timeout for hitting her, and a 4 minute timeout for lying. It was the longest timeout he's ever had. After it was done, I sat him on my knee and explained how disappointed I was in the fact that he lied to me. I haven't caught him lying since.
Thank you for your stories. I will read this one several times over so that, if the opportunity arises again, I will be able to recite some of it. I really appreciate your insight and ideas - keep them coming!"
17. Karla Akins - July 11, 2008 @ 9:39 AM
18. Donna Diamond - July 11, 2008 @ 9:49 AM
Thanks for sharing your stories!
Donna"
19. Jim Ridley - July 11, 2008 @ 9:52 AM
As we approach primary elections next week it is so important that we home-in on electing men and women of integrity. George MacDonald is cited to have said: "Foolish is the man, and there are many such men, who would set the world right by waging war on the evils around him, while he neglects that integral part of the world where lies his business, his first business--namely, his own character and conduct." It's always easy to see the changes needed in others lives and neglect the changes needed in my own. I remeber an incident in Alanta several years ago in which an enraged husband show an killed a young man because of a lie his wife concocted. She was late coming home from work and had been seeing a lawyer about getting a divorce. She told her husband that she was late because a young man in a sports car had molestered her in a mall parking lot. He went and found a man fitting the description and killed him. The proverb is right: "The spoken word in eternal" Once spoken you can't take it back. Like a bullet from a gun, once it leaves the barrel who is going to stop it.
God Bless and just keep writing."
20. Charles - July 11, 2008 @ 10:18 AM
21. Matt Davis - July 11, 2008 @ 10:26 AM
Right on Brotha!!!!
I tell our employees(9) and our 4 kids.....Our world is pretty simple.
Don't LIE to me,
Don't CHEAT,
and Don't Steal.
Oh, and make certain that whatever you do does not effect anybody else negatively.
I agree with you. Expose the RATS who take shortcuts (Because there are NO shortcuts) and be consistent, harsh, and fair in the punishment for this kind of behavior; only to help our kids learn the lesson early in life when the consequences are still small."
22. Dave Lisk - July 11, 2008 @ 11:01 AM
Of course most of us know that one of the ten commandments is "Thall shalt not bear false witness". But, when our lives are through and we are brought before God to examine our lives, how will we answer to the lies that we've told for expediency or temporary happiness? I know I've "got some splainin' to do", to quote Ricky Ricardo. And, I suspect, do a lot of us. Thanks for a simple, yet powerful, lesson.
God Bless you Andy and all those reading this."
23. Lynn - July 11, 2008 @ 11:07 AM
24. Alice - July 11, 2008 @ 11:22 AM
Currently, the Tour de France is the big news, with reports that the riders use drugs to enhance their performance. No one knows what to do to stop it, and it is even pointed out that riders who don't use "enhancers" (great word, don't you think?) lose out because they can't possibly keep up with the users. And, the "drug testers" allow time to pass so the drug leaves the cheaters' systems before they test.
We have a serious situation when *not using* is talked about as the problem, while *using* is accepted. Why are people watching these farces of TV or anywhere else? What is this teaching our young people?
I also want to tell you all an absolute truth here. I want people who read this to understand it it not Racist, it is ***Truth***.
My husband and I studied 6-plus years of French, as adults, in junior colleges. In the first three of our classes, at one college highly populated by Vietnamese students, the French classes were fully 1/3 Vietnamese students, this because French was spoken in Vietnam, and the students were already familiar with it in their families.
There was RAMPANT cheating in the classroom during testing. The Vietnamese students spoke to one another during the test in Vietnamese, and shared the answers to the test. All-out conversations, erasing of answers with re-writing, all over the classroom. And sometimes even one student getting up to go point out the problem on another student's paper! ***God's truth!***
These students were able to do this cheating because the teachers always *left the room* during the tests for as much as 5 or more minutes at a time!
When some of us complained to the teachers about the obvious cheating we were told: "We have to let them do that because it is part of their culture to share answers."
We were also told: "We have to let them do that, because if we didn't, they would drop out of the French classes, and there would be no French department at this college."
When we further complained that the cheating students' grades would be worth the same as grades for non-cheating students, and that the grade-point averages of the non-cheating students might suffer, thus leading them to losing a position, when applying for a job in the real world, we were told by the teachers that "Oh, don't worry. They all share the answers, but they don't always share the correct answer!"
The only reason we did not go to the Dean and drop out of these classes is that we did not really care much about our grades, as we were already college graduates at the time.
The French teachers (three of them did this) were guarding their jobs by allowing students to cheat, and I mean cheat BIG TIME. There was no sneaking a look a 'crib' notes!
And the teachers made themselves feel better about it by claiming it was a cultural thing that Vietnamese students always did!
Something is wrong in this society."
25. Mark Jones - July 11, 2008 @ 11:35 AM
I would like to add a Canadian perspective to your message. (That is, your message is universal!)
Yet another great life-lesson. You were not too hard on Austin and Adam. You are a principled man with strong beliefs. And I agree with them.
About seven years ago, my son Derek had not completed a term paper on time in high school. He wanted me to call his English teacher and feed him a 'my dog ate my paper' story. I would not, and told my son that there is one thing in this world that no one can take from you-your integrity. But I did tell him I would call his teacher and explain that Derek had made a mistake and didn't budget his time properly. His teacher was understanding and told me to have Derek come see him the next morning. He gave Derek an extension and he was able to complete the paper. I believe this experience, among others, instilled in Derek a desire to teach others. He has now completed his university degree, with honours (Canadian spelling), and is completing his second degree, in teaching. In one more year he will start teaching English and History at the high school level.
I am extremely proud of Derek. I believe that people ARE positively affected when they know you are telling the truth, and the consequences are much more positive in the long run.
Thanks again, Andy, for your words of truth and wisdom. Once again, you have helped to restore my faith in humanity.
Keep up your important work!
Mark Jones"
26. Andy Andrews - July 11, 2008 @ 11:44 AM
Thanks Mark...and thank you, Derek!
Sometimes, one person enforcing the "right thing" is enough to direct a life onto a path of integrity forever. And who knows who else quietly observed that situation years ago and was influenced as well?
Take caaare (Alabama spelling)
AA"
27. Glen Kaiser - July 11, 2008 @ 11:46 AM
You were right - this was a home run! I enjoyed the opportunity to visit last night - As so many times you've impacted my life in a very positive way - our visit last night and your blog today are examples of just that - take care and may God continue to Bless you and your family - AND continue use you to be an example to many!!
Thank you - Glen"
28. Dina Wilson - July 11, 2008 @ 12:32 PM
29. ron - July 11, 2008 @ 12:41 PM
I sure would love to hear more from you Andy, everything is sooo good.
Ron
Start Living Your Dream Life Now.
http://250k.NoExperienceNeeded.info"
30. Todd Rapp - July 11, 2008 @ 12:46 PM
But I wonder how you suggest applying this filter in the election process. It's been my experience that most local politicians are reasonably honest ... but the percentage of 'good guys' decreases dramatically with each step up. By the time they achieve state level office, nearly every politician has lied (even if simply by omission). And by the time they're running for national office, they are virtually ALL proven liars.
So, what's your suggestion? Vote for the candidate who gets caught in the fewest lies even if you despise everything he stands for? Or vote for the politician who may commit more 'little white lies' but remains truest to the principles you wish to see guiding public policy?"
31. Henry - July 11, 2008 @ 1:38 PM
for focusing on what is right, about accountablity.
And I would add that (after reading Alice) that we must focus on ourselves, and those gifts (children) we are empowered to raise.
The students in her French class cheated only themselves. They will pay. Leave those things in Gods hands."
32. Andy Andrews - July 11, 2008 @ 1:54 PM
I had a nice relaxing day going and now you hit me with this...
Couldn't I just give you the definition of "osmosis" or recite the Declaration of Independence? Those might be easier than answering your question!
At least you only asked me for a suggestion and not "the definitive answer".
I suppose you hit the nail on the head with your last line... I know we all commit those "little white lies" occasionally. And I really see no foul in that if the subject matter is inconsequential. For instance: "Does this dress make me look fat?" is a question that occasionally requires a skirting of the truth.
However, we all understand the difference in that kind of lie and one in which a lack of character is shown.
As I am writing here, it occurs to me that there is a lot more to this topic. (...a future posting perhaps...) For now, Todd, you and I are going to have to do the same thing: Rely on our hearts for the discernment to translate what our eyes and ears are receiving.
Yours,
AA"
33. Debbie - July 11, 2008 @ 2:34 PM
I think Lying is one of the biggest problems in our society today. One thing I don;t think some people realize is that even telling someone "I'll call you right back" is a lie if you never had the intentions to do what you said.I know several people who are chronic liars and it is really sad."
34. Cheryle - July 11, 2008 @ 3:02 PM
35. Bob McEwen - July 11, 2008 @ 3:15 PM
To which most would respond,"but a game of golf doesn't really matter"
"Exactly," my dad replied. "A man that will cheat when it doesn't matter...rest assured he will cheat when it does."
Thanks, Andy, for your example as a father a husband a leader and a friend."
36. Pam Richards - July 11, 2008 @ 3:51 PM
This is brilliant!
I was taught as a child that "If you never tell a lie - you don't have to remember the truth ... you know it. Thanks to my parents and their teachings I can not lie and that may be their greatest gift to me.
I told my three grown sons when they were little that I could always tell when they were lying (as my mother had said to me) and they believed me. My sons were very good citizens as children - they knew if they were always truthful we trusted them. They also knew that if they lied that would change our trust forever. God blessed us and they are fine honest men now starting their own families teaching their children the importance of honesty.
I plan to share your message with many friends and family. Thank you.
Make it a great day,
Pam Richards (Jeannie Petershagen's event planner)
Director of Catering
Holiday Inn, Downtown Everett"
37. Paul Werner - July 11, 2008 @ 4:43 PM
38. Bruce C Tredinnick - July 11, 2008 @ 4:46 PM
Thanks for this posting.
I just ended a relationship in which I was obsessed with a woman who lied about so many things that I have lost all trust in her.I was also recently cheated by a business colleague whom I put implicit trust in.
When one loses trust there can be no relationship. I have turned these incidents, as painful as they were, into a confirmation of my own honesty, forgiven them(Your sixth principle), and moved on in search of "the good guys".
Babara Sher has a good quote, " Be nice to everyone, but be nicer to the nice people""
39. Tina - July 11, 2008 @ 5:01 PM
"Perhaps it is permissible to lie . . ."
Absolutely not, this is the slippery slope that you start on today and eventually find yourself at the bottom stuck in the muck!
When someone asks an inappropriate/rude/nosy question there are a myriad of ways to respond . . . rather than with anger/outrage. Simply say I am not ready to answer the question, don't feel I can or should answer the question.
Once you make an excuse to tell the first lie, it becomes easier to tell the second, and the third."
40. Mark A. Steiner - July 11, 2008 @ 5:36 PM
I happen to be a talent agent and have a speaking bureau. I received from your bureau a very nice gift of a mouse pad, "The Travelers Gift", a bookmark and a composite card as a reminder of the decisions. Awesome, simply awesome. God Inspired. Thanks much for the words of wisdom. I can assure you that are not being cast to swine....
Mark"
41. Dave - July 11, 2008 @ 5:37 PM
42. Courtney - July 11, 2008 @ 8:24 PM
Oh my.
I read your blog first thing this morning. (By the way, the ONLY thing I read in my inbox).... Needless to say, I was affected by your words. You put things that I am curently witness to in my life into perspective for me.
Then I checked out who had replied with a posting - about 4 or 5 people if I remember it correctly. Now, it's a little after 9:00 p.m. here in coastal NC and I find that over 40 people have responded to this blog! Not only responded - but responded passionately!! It is so clear to me that you hit a chord with this!
Keep bringing on the real issues, Andy. Everyone needs to hear them, and everyone needs to face them."
43. Frances Kranik - July 11, 2008 @ 9:14 PM
Any comments I have would be a repeat of what has been said already!
I'm so happy you are sharing this blog - I'm 2/3 the way through The Lost Choice, my third AA book this year and thinking there are many parallels between the blog and that book - Keep writing, because we all pick up different lessons from everything (worth while)that we read.
I'm forwarding this to several people who will appreciate you putting our thoughts into words.
Frances
(I'm hoping you weren't referring to Gulf Shores when stating your community has been changed, I'm headed down there next Wednesday for my week at the beach - plan to try and find some of the place mentioned in The Island of Saints!)"
44. Beatrice Furman - July 12, 2008 @ 12:58 AM
Thanks so much for posting this. So far, it's the only thing I've looked at in my in box, and it's the end of a rather long day.
I read this, knowing this was exactly what I needed to pass on to my husband as some much needed guidance for a decision he needs to make regarding work. I don't want to go into details here, as I'm not totally sure what is going on there. However, I'm believing this will help."
45. Myron Remington - July 12, 2008 @ 2:50 PM
I've lost count of the number of times it would have been much easier to say nothing and wait to be found out: the broken door in the RR tunnel, the bullet hole in the roof of a family home, the punctured pipeline, etc. But I have disciplined myself to choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong, and have come through each incident with my honor intact, if not my "seat of learning".
With teaching like this, your sons will grow up as honorable men.
Thanks!
Myron"
46. Chris - July 12, 2008 @ 4:55 PM
As a father, I find the way that you look for learning opportunities with your children inspirational. What impresses me the most is that the learning works both ways.
One of the ironic things about dishonesty is that it is usually motivated by selfish purposes (as opposed to selfish porpoises, who eat all the fish) but in reality their dishonesty harms them.
Nathanial Branden wrote in Six Pillars of Self Esteem, "[if] I act against what I myself regard as right, if my actions clash with my expressed values, then I act against my judgment, I betray my mind. Hypocrisy, by its very nature, is self-invalidating (145)." I think he nailed that one and I think you nailed this one.
Excellent post, Andy."
47. Andy Andrews - July 12, 2008 @ 5:49 PM
In my second year of college, I had a professor who told the class, "When you are taking a test, if you make me laugh with an answer, I'll give you extra credit." Naturally, he was my favorite teacher!
In any case, along with everyone else, we appreciate your post...but you get extra credit for the "porpoise" line!
We laughed!
Thanks,
AA"
48. Steve Nelson - July 13, 2008 @ 6:34 AM
I came across your blog at the suggestion of a friend. What a wonderful read! Also, I have been reading through some of the comments, along with your responses. I appreciate so much what you had to say regarding "liars" and the current political state."
49. Warren Wojnowski | Inspired Abundance - July 13, 2008 @ 1:12 PM
For me, the discussion raises lots of questions to ask myself about my personal integrity.
One is "What double standards am I applying in my own life that undermine my own credibility with others ... but in particular with myself?"
It's not just overt "lying" that comes into play, but the degree of authenticity I demonstrate each day.
I, as a parent, am teaching my kids with every statement I make and action I take. If they see me say one thing, but do another, then I'm teaching them that's okay. And I'm teaching others that's okay when I do it with them.
So part of "truthfulness", for me is reminding myself to be authentic because that is the best lesson I can teach my kids and others first.
Thanks for the post Andy!"
50. Renee Badertscher - July 13, 2008 @ 10:13 PM
Renee"
51. dduncan - July 14, 2008 @ 4:53 PM
Outward lies are only manifistations of inner need. We all have need. Keep using your gift to point the way."
52. April Walczak - July 15, 2008 @ 9:38 PM
Thanks for remaining the beacon of right living. Unfortunately our society is trying to make morales, ethics, and just plain decency seem old fashioned. I content that they are the foundations that made this country what it it and allowed individual creativity to contribute greatly to the advancement of mankind. I hate to see Hollywood rip the fabric of our greatness. As a new mom I worry that my daughter will be influenced by the star struck, materiel crazy, loud, unethical folks held up as role models. I have vowed to work hard to instill the traditional values which remain the key to a productive, happy adult.
Thanks for your messages."
53. Doug Feco - July 16, 2008 @ 12:10 AM
Well this is a first for me. This is the first time I have ever blogged but I have been keeping up with your emails. We first met at HBW FasTrack Mtg last year in Vegas (I am the VP Sales & Mktg). I had the privilege to sit through your seminar as well as the pleasure & honor of introducing you to our general session as our keynote speaker. Thanks for your great books and all you have shared already.
Regarding your message about lying - I couldn't agree more as to the importance of truth as a foundation for all we do and the unfortunate trend toward indifference I see today in our society.
I also believe that it truly starts in the home as you so poignantly expressed. In my opinion, the continued demise of the traditional family unit has much to do with the failure of basic lessons taught today in the home - morals, right from wrong, truth vs. deception. When my children were growing up, our rule was to eat dinner together and discuss these very things since I had to assume no one else was going to do it for me. Kids are kids and it was a challenge but they are great adults today.
One more tid bit as my better half likes to say..."telling the truth is easier. that way, you never have to remember what you said." Thanks for all you do Andy. God Bless."
54. Anita - July 16, 2008 @ 10:54 AM
55. 'Dr Ray' Ramirez - July 16, 2008 @ 10:03 PM
When I have talked to friends about the sports scene, their response is always 'it only hurts them'.
No it does not. Kids see it, they see that is the 'only way' to get ahead, so they do it.
And we parents have to start paying more attention. But it is very hard when we look at those in the national TV spotlight who you always wonder about.
On 8-8-08 we will again watch with amazement men and women who have trained almost their entire life to do they best they can on an unprecedented Olympic stage. I would like to root for all of the athletes, and especially the 41 year old swimmer, Dara Torres.
But I just don't know. And for that I am truly sad for her, as she is deprived of much due adulation because of all of those around her.
Unless she is contributing to it. And we may not know that for 10+ years.
We _all_ influence people, how are you going to influence someone today?
56. Krystal Cummins - August 4, 2008 @ 1:15 PM
Keep Blogging, you are needed."
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