Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Longest I've Worked For A Compliment
About twenty years. That is, the best I can figure, the longest I have worked for a compliment. I received it just the other day and it came from a woman I don't really know. The remark containing the compliment was made in the grocery store to Polly, my wife. But to understand why it means so much to me, we have to go back twenty years ...
Jerry Anderson, one of my best and longest tenured friends happened to be working in a swimming pool supply store that doubled as a package shipping service. I went in one day and filled out the paperwork necessary to ship several items, answering the questions and paying whatever it cost. I vaguely remember doing this tiny piece of business with a couple of ladies about my age. I was twenty-nine or thirty at the time.
Jerry was not inside the building as I completed my transaction, but happened to walk in that morning as I was leaving. We talked for a moment, said goodbye, and I got in my car and drove away.
Later that day, I ran into Jerry again—this time at the dry cleaners. "You okay?" he asked somewhat seriously after we had exchanged greetings.
"Yeah," I said, taken aback. "Why would you ask that?"
Jerry shrugged. "The girls at the shop said you were mad ... I just wondered if they had done something wrong."
"No," I answered, confused. "They didn't do anything wrong."
"Well," Jerry said tentatively, "their exact words when you left were: What's his problem?"
I drove home in a daze. I didn't want to tell Polly what had been said. We had not been married long, but she had alluded to the same kind of thing in my demeanor before. I was stunned ...
Because here's the thing: I had not been mad. I was not upset or even particularly stressed. That was how I always acted. As I drove home, I began to think about rude waitresses and sullen flight attendants. I remembered people at church who never spoke and several folks at the service station or the hardware store or in our neighborhood who sometimes refused eye contact.
And I realized ... it was not them.
It was me.
Now understand, I didn't clash with everyone. Or even most folks. I never had fights or serious disagreements. It was a subtle thing really, but I began to understand that I was a person that many people would simply choose not to be around.
As I struggled with this odd feeling of unpleasant self-discovery, I knew something had to be done. It was very clear to me that a person around whom others were uncomfortable would never receive opportunities, acceptance, or even assistance to the degree that a more likeable fellow might.
To be as successful as I wanted to be—as a husband, a businessperson, and throughout life in general—I determined that I must somehow transform myself into a person other people wanted to be around!
So about twenty years ago, I began to ask myself this question every day: "Andy ... what is it about you that other people would change if they could?" I often included variations on that theme. "What is it about the way you act, Andy? What is it about the way you dress? What is it about the way you eat in public ... ?" I asked the question in every form imaginable.
Of course, there were many times when I would answer, "Well, I don't want to change that about myself. I am fine with the way that I am in that area ... " Then I would quickly remember, that was not the question! The question was, "What would other people change about me if they could?!"
It was never my intention to live my life "according to man" or to exist only within the parameters of "the expectations of others" ... But I knew that if I wanted people to listen to my opinions ... to believe like I believed ... to come around to my way of thinking ... to ever buy what I was selling ... it really would help if they liked me a little bit!
I needed to become a person other people wanted to be around.
Well, twenty years have passed and I still ask the question. Frankly, I am not as advanced in this area as I probably should be, but I am still working hard on myself.
Last week, a lady stopped Polly at the grocery store and casually asked about the boys. Polly told her they were "home with Andy".
The woman furrowed her brow. "Andy?" she asked. "Andy ... is your husband?"
Polly laughed. "Yes," she assured her. "He's my husband."
The woman shook her head in amused shock. "I have seen you both in here for years, but never, I guess, together." Then, she tried again (and here comes my compliment ... ) "We are," she said, "talking about the same person, right? ‘Andy' who writes books ... the guy who is always in a good mood ... ?"
When Polly related the story, she told me how proud of me she was and we talked about that depressing day so long ago. I was amazed, a bit relieved, and actually intended to call Jerry and tell him the story, but got busy and forgot about it until now. Oh well, Jerry will read it here and laugh.
So that's it. That is the compliment for which I worked the longest! Now just between you and me, the truth is that I am not always in a good mood. You either? That's okay. It'll be our secret.
And the lady in the grocery store will never know.
40 Comments
1. Sandra Hayes:
March 4, 2009 @ 1:40 PM
"Thanks again, Andy, for sharing yourself and your insight with your teammates in this game of life. Looking forward to the next play. May God continue to bless and enlighten us all."
2. Samuel E Osborn:
March 4, 2009 @ 1:48 PM
"I've found that, even if you're not "Christian", Philippians 4:8 is a real help in this type of struggle."
3. Kristal Randall:
March 4, 2009 @ 1:59 PM
"OK Andy, this one hit really close to home. This is something I've struggled with for years and basically I'm shy but I know often I come across as aloof or angry. I'm going to put your theory to work for me and see if I can get results in 20 years or less.
I don't know how you do it, but you always seem to write just what I need to hear. Thanks!"
4. Jeanne:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:14 PM
"Andy,
Absolutely great message! Yesterday I was that person and for no reason whatsoever really and mostly with our kids.
On the flip side; I do try (not always successful of course) to wonder what is going on in the lives of others when they are cranky, upset or seem disinterested. We often think - What's wrong with him? Or, what did I do? They might be going through a crisis, coming into a crisis or just out of a crisis. Often, just smiling will turn them around. Have a great day!"
5. Jim "Gymbeaux" Brown:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:15 PM
"Andy,
I have been using a technique originated by Joe Tye (www.joetye.com) called a Direction-Deflection-Question (DDQ). You ask yourself a questions such as, "Is wat I am about to say or do consistent with my desire to ......"
I lost 40 pounds by asking that question. Is what I am about to eat or drink consistent with my desire to weigh 185? Yes - eat or drink it. No - don't."
6. Beverley Brown:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:24 PM
"Thank you, Andy. I've heard and given similar advice before. I can't say that I've ever followed it for long, and I'm pretty sure the kids I've told haven't followed it either. But your comments were apropos today. As I was going to lunch with a friend, she asked me why I was so crabby today. I didn't think I was crabby. So I guess I have more work to do on my smile...."
7. Kevin Bungert:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:34 PM
"Andy- You're on of the hardest working people I know! The hardest thing to work on is ourselves! All the best! -Kevin"
8. Joseph Primm:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:35 PM
"Excellent write up and very true, somethings just take longer but perception of ourselves is also very important."
9. Penny Stratton:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:41 PM
"Great to see you again in LA last weekend! If everyone would just live by your example of smiling when they speak--no matter what they're talking about--the world would be a better place.
Penny From Nashville"
10. Bob Andrews:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:54 PM
"I understand what you mean because
I went thru an ugly divorce in 2000
and I still can't see my son
and that affects me to this date.
I also back in 1970 was sent to
Nam as a 20 year old KID and
I believe that was Child Abuse
by society and those issues
returned in 2000 and I'm on a
Crusade to make it that no one
should serve in a Combat area
until their at least 21 like the
Drinking Age.
Baltimore Bob"
11. David Foster:
March 4, 2009 @ 2:58 PM
"Thanks Andy, you never disappoint!"
12. Glen Kaiser:
March 4, 2009 @ 3:56 PM
"Andy,
You know if you could just work on the way you........... Just kiddin' You are an inspiration to me and I'll always work on myself to improve in the same way you discuss in your blog today........
Hope all is well and say hello to Polly and the boys - you know you are so blessed!!
GK"
13. Bonnie Bartel Latino:
March 4, 2009 @ 4:29 PM
"Andy-Pandy: I have to say, I would NEVER have believed that you ever appeared to be an angry young man....you've certainly done a great job of doing an about-face. You are the most likable fellow I know! ;-) Thanks for another great blog!
By the way, for my birthday I ordered "The Noticer" . . . THAT is the book I've been wanting you to write since the day I met you years ago in Bay Minette at that writer's seminar!
Thanks for sharing today's story.
Bon in Atmore
PS: As always, Hawaii was GREAT!"
14. Cheryl Norwood Ashurst:
March 4, 2009 @ 5:45 PM
"Thanks for that Andy! We always seem to be rushing around not being happy in the moment... Thanks for reminding me to have a happy heart!!
Love Ya! :)
Cheryl in Montgomery, AL"
15. Dave Paul:
March 4, 2009 @ 6:34 PM
"Andy,
I feel this topic is important and I apreciate you bringing it up. Raising myself up a few degrees on the likeability scale has been one of the trickiest areas of intropsection I've had to deal with. I recall my time in the networking direct-selling industry and being confronted with the challenge of how to approach others in a genuine, trustworthy, and caring manner while effectively delivering a message that includes "them" while not giving off an "it's all about me" attitude. One example of what I had to change is when I discovered that I had to really limit my use of sarcasm as a way of relating to others - this form of humor is still rather popular around the family I grew up with and it doesn't work well for me as other's have indicated to me. To ask the question "What would other people change in me if they could?", I believe, can improve our living experience. There is humility in these words, as well as a willingness to change and improve. Not all people are willing to go down this path. We are not in this alone. Thanks for sharing your experience with us."
16. Gina:
March 4, 2009 @ 6:41 PM
"Thanks for the insight and smile!"
17. Shirley Bates:
March 4, 2009 @ 6:55 PM
"Andy, I would have never guessed that you could be rude or unfriendly seeming to anyone. I have been a big fan of yours since the first time I saw you on t.v. I think it was on TNN. You are entitled to be in a bad mood occassionally, aren't we all? You have the talent to stand up for what's right and good for the Lord. Don't feel bad for the rap you got from the lady in the grocery store. You're number one with me and my family, as well as and most importantly, with your wife and children. Keep up the good, clean humor that you spread around. Thanks and God bless,Shirley Bates"
18. Damon Roskilly:
March 4, 2009 @ 7:22 PM
"You're awesome Andy! Thanks for sharing. You inspire us all whether you're in a typically good mood or not. :)"
19. Sue Thompson:
March 4, 2009 @ 7:31 PM
"While I am not quite as focused on wondering what other people might change about me (and certainly sometimes don't care), I am VERY sensitive to how I am being perceived in situations where perception is everything. Even in simple, day-to-day interactions . . . I began noticing that older people often have a stern look on their faces, not attributable to being mean but just because we don't think about how our faces look! I now make a conscious effort to keep at least a hint of a smile on my lips. If I have to be an old lady, I want to be considered a happy old lady!"
20. Dawna Austin:
March 4, 2009 @ 7:33 PM
"You always make me smile. I was working today and took a minute to read this, then I walked out into the restaurant and put your words to action.
Thank you."
21. jan burch:
March 4, 2009 @ 7:53 PM
"ANDY-PANDY????????????? With a nickname like that you HAVE to look happy. And you always do in church. Or is that the setting???
As always, loved your blog.
JB"
22. Pamela Walker:
March 4, 2009 @ 8:36 PM
"Andy, what a wonderful message at such a perfect time for me. I am currently seeing a therapist because I don't seem to relate well to others, either at work or in my home life. I'm happy but not fulfilled with friends as I want to be. So this message hits so close to home. I need to remember every day, every moment "what would others change in me if they could?" Thank you very much."
23. Bill Burkhart:
March 4, 2009 @ 9:04 PM
"Andy,
I love your site, I have listened to all your tapes and read your books. Loved all of them.I have to be honest with you, I enjoy your blogs and enjoy reading all the responses to them. But i wonder if you read them. It seems to me that you must be so much in demand now days that you probobly dont have time to read these conments that people write back. Either way, I love your material and will continue to listen and read the things you publish.
Thanks for all you share
Bill"
24. Marianne:
March 4, 2009 @ 9:10 PM
"Here I am grinning ear to ear again.
Another great read..thank you Andy, for sharing your life and lessons with this audience who truly appreciates your stories."
25. Andy Andrews:
March 4, 2009 @ 9:49 PM
"Bill!
Oh yeah, I read them all. In fact, I have run into the Crown Room at the Atlanta airport this very moment to crank up the computer and do just that! Running now tho....gotta catch a flight!
AA"
26. Shirley:
March 4, 2009 @ 10:17 PM
"Hello Andy, You have an uncanny way of showing up in my e-mail at exactly the right moment!!!! It's great and I love it. You and your writings have made a profound difference in me and my approach to thinking and to life in general. I thank you very much for your work."
27. Sarah:
March 4, 2009 @ 11:27 PM
"Hey Andy,
You are great! I wonder what it would take to add your content to our website? www.ilearningglobal.com You would be a great addition to the team - would you consider the possibility of collaborating?"
28. Joshua Morrell:
March 5, 2009 @ 1:00 AM
"andy - thank you so much for sharing your life and your stories - along with the successes and failures.
i guess - i used to be one of "those" people that people wanted to be around - i guess i slowly consciously/unconsciously drove people - mainly new people - away because it would "flash me back" or trigger very unpleasant and painful trauma i have experienced in the past.
i am 37 years old now. a college student, a cook, a photographer and i work with individuals with developmental disabilities part time. when i was 21 i experienced terrible situations on drugs and remembered all of it and some years later these situations would reoccur. i think i built up a defense mechanism so i would never go thru that trauma again. during 9-11 i was working as a cameraman in tv news and that whole act of terror re-introduced my thinking of, "man" the meaning of life, our fallibility etc...
i guess my point is - besides trying to share my story - is that drugs - heightened states of awareness, terrible moments - fear - all get stored up for me and my brain tries to move away from situations where people will get close. i always think - i used to have a good life and potential - i used to have the beautiful earth and all it's miracles ahead of me - i always feel i used to have a good life and i used to be free. i don't think it is ever too late to begin again - i just wish there where more people that would understand that sometimes it is so hard to be normal or like everybody else. it is so hard for some people to be involved in the community or part of large crowds or big families and friends etc...sometimes it is hard.
i wish also - that you - and people that are in the self help field - realize that a persons subjected reality is not always the same as everybody else's and some people need rest and help and maybe even a time to smell the roses and succeed in different ways. i love god and mother earth and all it's wonders and beauty and miracles. not everybody succeeds in the same way. some of us need a lot of help. mostly "unspoken" help with feelings of love and comfort. there are a lot of seeds out there, being listened to by many, many, beautiful people in search of help and comfort. i trust you. but some of the seeds and teachings i have heard from others - is hard to do. and hard not to feel like a failure if you cannot. - anyway - i have rambled on WAY too long. but love you and your community - and when i came across your kind face on pbs - some years ago -it felt great. loved your story and so glad you triumphed. take care and god bless...
ps - the "r you grateful now" blog was great - the you tube video was outstanding and inspiring...thank you."
29. Dorethia Conner:
March 5, 2009 @ 9:37 AM
"Hi Andy, great story. Years ago people would approach me often and say 'smile' or 'why are you looking so mean'. Nothing was wrong it was just my 'look'.
I too began to work on it because I am a people person and didn't want to be unapproachable. I still get a few 'smile' comments every blue moon, but not nearly as much!
-Dorethia"
30. Donny Ingram:
March 6, 2009 @ 11:02 AM
"Thanks Andy, so many of us need to hear this story often. It helps me pay more attention to my actions and attitudes. May God continue to bless you to bless others."
31. Dave Timmons:
March 7, 2009 @ 9:35 AM
"Thank God for honest wives. Margie asks me from time to time "What's wrong?" and I say nothing I feel fine, but the look on my face or the tone of my voice is PERCEIVED in a different way. Next time she asks I'll just hug her and tell her thanks for reminding me to smile. It is easy to forget that others are looking at us and to us to brighten their day with a nod, a smile or a wink. Every chance I get, I quote you to her students "Smile while you talk"."
32. Sarah Korczynski:
March 7, 2009 @ 9:47 PM
"I saw you in Vegas at the Nat'l RE/MAX Convention and figured you're a fisherman. No flashy lure, no visible hook...you cast out your line and slowly, methodically reel your audience in.
WOW! You really are good.
Thanks for sharing your family stories. Your little guys are truly blessed."
33. Chris:
March 8, 2009 @ 3:30 PM
"I've learned that when my wife says "Are you mad" or "what's wrong?", it's me, not her misperception.
I hope you can check out this video sometime. I thought of you when I first saw it. It's about photography but the life lesson that kicks in at 5:45 into it fits perfectly with what I've learned from you.
http://www.scottkelby.com/blog/2009/archives/3433"
34. Dixie:
March 8, 2009 @ 4:49 PM
"Wow...your blog made me think. I am a quiet person by nature. I try to blend in with the woodwork. If you're my friend or co-worker, I will try to educate, inform, and entertain those around me with stories, information and antidotes about me and my family.
My being quiet...do I come off as being mad??? I think I should ask myself the same question each morning before I start my day; "What is it about me that people around me would change if they could?"
Thanks for the insite Andy...I felt like you were talking to me directly."
35. Judith Swartz:
March 11, 2009 @ 11:12 AM
"Hello Andy,
In a busy day when I didn't really have time for this, I stopped to read because it came from you) and quickly sent it to my daughter (you can imagine why she and I might benefit from your reminder).
Briefly, daughter Niki is a bit "intense," setting high standards for herself, but too often expecting the same from those with whom she comes in contact - like service folks who appear to be new arrivals to the planet...
Soon after receiving my email, my daughtercalled to tell me that just after reading your message, she had to run an errand at the computer store and was dreading the long lines, uninformed staff, etc.
HOWEVER, it turned out to be a most delightful experience (efficient process, no waiting and very informed and caring staff) and we both discussed the laws of the universe that governs that.
THANK YOU for taking the time to share your story. Benefit ripples will continue.
A fan, Judith H. Swartz"
36. Motivational Speaker Daryl Wizelman:
March 11, 2009 @ 12:02 PM
"Very good post about the importance of being self aware. It is so often that we run through our lives motivated only by our own needs and wants without care or consideration of others. Taking a moment to stop and reflect is incredibly important. Thank you."
37. Kelli (Miller) Vanderpool:
March 13, 2009 @ 9:17 PM
"Andy Andrews! I must say, you have always made me laugh! We met in 1986 in Parkersburg, WV. You were there for my freshman convocation. I had seen you before on tv, knew your jokes and ALWAYS laughed! You called me out and asked if i wanted to tell them! lol Remember? Probably not, but that's ok. I am ashamed because i noticed about 5 years ago you had become an author and motivational speaker and i have not read one of your books. I need to get motivated and do this! I really just wanted to say hi and congratulate you on your wonderful accomplishments! Feel free to drop me an email sometime! Good luck in all your endeavors, Andy!--Kelli (Miller) Vanderpool"
38. Joyce Glazier:
March 14, 2009 @ 9:25 AM
"Andy,
I thought I was too busy to read your blog when I got the email. Boy was I wrong.
That was probably the day I needed most to be reminded about being hte person people want to be around.
Well, I was reminded today.
I can't wait for my copy of The Noticer
Thanks for all you do. God Bless."
39. Doug Evans:
March 27, 2009 @ 10:15 PM
"Andy, Great story !!! It's all about us all taking responsibility isn't it ??? It is taking a look inside to see what we need to accomplish on the outside. The old fashion story for the lesson. I can see you, Will and Og around a campfire !! Hmmmmm !!!"
40. Doug Evans:
March 28, 2009 @ 8:53 AM
"Andy, great story, great lesson. It all boils down to taking the responsibility. It's about taking the TIME to pause and look inwardly so we be what we want to be outwardly. Will and Og would be proud !!"